My Little Love

Here we are, just before Thanksgiving break, and I found something that I wanted to share. This is a letter I wrote to myself around this time two years ago. I just happened upon it as I was cleaning up my desktop. When I opened it to read, what I found was some tough love, a look at who I think I am and reminders of who I really am. It surprised me that I had written something so poignant and self-aware, especially given that I haven’t written anything in a long time. It was a good reminder that I can be a great writer when I sit down, concentrate, and bleed everything onto the page, as they say.

I wanted to share it here because I believe this letter deserves to breathe and to be seen by more than just me. And maybe, just maybe, you might find yourself in some of thees words or it might encourage you to look inward, especially during this time of year when we’re often deep in reflection.

Forgive all the grammatical mistakes, and enjoy!

My little love,

I have two questions for you and a plea wrapped up in one of those questions. First question. For someone who doesn’t take well to being told what to do, why do you let the outside world make so many of the decisions for you? Why do you let what’s outside of you dictate what you do? Now, I understand we all do to some degree, but you keep delegating important decisions and tasks to people, places, experiences that don’t feed your soul. Thus, you come home at the end of the day, drained, tired, apathetic, unmotivated, with nothing left to give to the people, places, and things that truly do matter to you. Some examples. Why do you let other people decide what you eat? Why do you let others walk all over you? Why do you let others have a say in how you should structure your day? What’s more, why do you let them tell you how you should live your life?

Your heart, body, and mind are screaming at you to be heard. Hell, even Tim is begging to hear you. You’re screaming, but nobody can hear you because you can’t even hear yourself. You need to start calling the shots in your own life. When the world asks of you what you want or what you need, answer the call. And if you don’t know in the moment, go within or simply say, I don’t know or I need more time to think about it. You already have all the answers. Go where your body, mind, and heart are guiding you. Trust. You owe this to yourself, to Tim, to the world. Watch how your inner world will transform and heal for the better and radiate outwards so that your surroundings will be as magnificent as you are and always have been inside. When you are hungry, eat. When you are tired, sleep. When you’re overstimulated, retreat to darkness and just read. When you are busy and overwhelmed, meditate. Do the things you want to do, love to do, need to do in order to take care of yourself first.

Okay. Now. Second question. Who are you without all the things you love to do? If tomorrow, you woke up and you weren’t able to sit here at this computer to write or go downstairs to work out or dance around the kitchen while you bake or go for a walk or do puzzles or play Mah Jong on your phone or go to Meijer or get dressed or take a shower by yourself or eat by yourself or watch TV or Youtube or read books in bed or step foot on a plane ever again to travel to all of your favorite corners of the world, who would you be? What would be left? What kind of human would remain? What would people remember about you, about how you spent your life, and how you treated them? Scary to think about grieving that identity, isn’t it? Who would you be?

Right now, I see you as someone who succumbs to low energy meaning you surround yourself with people who tend to be more negative, pessimistic, conversing and gossiping about people instead of ideas, people who don’t have hope or don’t try to push the status quo to see what’s possible, who ruminate instead of working to make the environment you’re in better for all. I see someone who stays silent in conversations and in the face of uncomfortable remarks, who doesn’t speak up for the greater good, someone who takes more than she gives, dare I say someone who uses people with no remorse. I see someone who is lost, sad, and forever grieving her mother, her best friend, her identity, and life she once had while her mother was still alive. I see a little girl who is hurting and needs healing. But I also see a young woman who is fiercely independent and knows what she wants even though sometimes she seems unsure. Someone who is brave and has had incredible experiences people will only ever dream of and by the age of 33 no less. I see someone who can find joy in ordinary moments, who is resilient, who has hurt people and been hurt by people, someone who could stand to practice more gratitude for all that she has been given in life. I see someone who is loyal, who can be still, who can listen, who can read between the lines or read the air, I see someone who takes care of herself and also could stand to improve her health by cutting back on sugar. I see someone who loves their friends by sending them holiday cards or care packages or messages but could also stand to reach out more. I see someone who is severely lacking in self-confidence and self-worth but also knows her limits. I see someone who is tired and tired of running the rat race in a system that doesn’t work for her. I see someone who has a lot of dreams but struggles to make them realities. I see a dreamer, not a doer. I see a planner instead of someone who knows how to live life spontaneously. I see someone who knows better but doesn’t always do better. I see someone whose mind is so criminally unkind to herself, it has convinced her that people think poorly of her before even giving others a chance to come to their own conclusions. I see someone who refuses to get too close, to put her heart on the line because she knows she is going to lose it all one day anyway. And I also see someone who, even knowing that, wants to open herself all the way up and risk that vulnerability for the chance of being seen and heard in this lifetime.

My love, your story is rich and nuanced and tragic and extraordinarily beautiful. While the books tell you that you are someone who meditates, someone who gets X number of hours of sleep every night, someone who reads a lot of books, someone who exercises 5 days a week, someone who loves to cook at home and bake, that is not really who you are. Those are things you do to pass the time, to help make a better-quality life for yourself. You are not what you do. You are human. You are you. And I love you, dear sweet little love. I always have.

Onward,

Me